Lost Christmas

I’ve been feeling down these past few days and I don’t really know why. Ads in the newspaper, shops with Christmas trees and Santas and snowmen etc. hanging about, decorations selling at a discounted price all point to Christmas nearing. Usually I would feel the sheer excitement and get all gung-ho about it by planning on baked goodies, midnight/day mass, gifts for my family etc.

This year—zilch. Nothing. Not even a slightest glimmer of light. No cheer, no buzz, absolutely nothing. So instead of wallowing in whatever that is going on inside of me, I chose to or at least am trying to look at the positive side. But it doesn’t feel like Christmas at all for me. It just feels like every other day.

I guess I miss how it was celebrated when I was a child and it also helped as to where I lived. There was always a buzz no matter what the festival was. You know a festival is arriving by the excitement created by the people living there. Plus I feel like that personal touch is gone. For example, every year I would call people and wish them and if possible even visit them. Year after year I would do that. One year I didn’t. I was ill. I got no calls, no visits. Nothing. I got tired of giving. It doesn’t stop me from giving though. But I got tired.

 

Handmade cards with lovely words

Decorated envelopes filled with colours

Posted or personally delivered

We’d hang them on a rope

Or place them on speakers or the television

Midnight masses would be such a delight

With a choir that makes you want to sing in joy

You feel the happiness blooming inside

As you walk down the lane hugging each one tight

Hop to a neighbour’s for a quick glass of cocoa

Where presents are wrapped and tucked under a tree

You watch as their family members open them in delight

Hugging and kissing, spreading blessings and joy

You smile but are sad for that’s something not followed

In your own home ever since you were berated

Gift giving is still done but not in the traditional way

You feel a sense of sadness but push it far away

The exchange of goodie plates in neighbours’ and friends’ homes

The times you spent as a result laughing and cracking jokes

The times spent in the kitchen preparing sweets and cakes

Never were they traditional, we made our own unique bakes

The secret way of preparing gifts for family and friends

In hiding, my sister and I would make handmade cards

And try and sneak a peek at what each other has done

No matter what the state of mind in the house

We would always try and stay happy and bring cheer about

Sometimes it got exhausting and it would make me think

Would I ever have a Christmas that’s just simple joy and sweet?

This year is no different in terms of how I feel

In fact this year is harder for I don’t feel anything

People visiting or calling, none of that happens anymore

Now, it’s a text or msg saying “Merry Christmas” and we’re done

There’s no cheer, there’s no buzz, there’s no joy at all

It’s tiring me out and I’m trying really hard

To keep a smiling face and be cheery every day

Whenever I feel the pain I remember what I have

A family, friends, a healthy mind and body

That’s all that is required at the end of the day

But sometimes this heart of mine wished for those other joys too

I wish it would be happy but instead I have tears of pain

Every year I would console and immerse in spreading joy all around

To taking responsibilities of cleaning the house, to even decorating

Joining along in singing carols and with the choir too

I’d prepare goodies for family and friends

Make sure gifts were ready to bring smiles on their faces

All the little things would eventually make it feel like Christmas

I wanted to make it a personal, homey, special thing

But it’s hard when you’re the only one trying to do so

The personal touch was lacking, the only thing worthwhile

It didn’t matter if there were flaws in it

Those days are gone and maybe forever lost

So I continue to put a smile on my face

And personalize it for me on my own instead

© NJ

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7 thoughts on “Lost Christmas

  1. This year I have plans for a turkey lunch maybe, and a secret santa later. But, yes, somehow the charm has gone out of the way. I feel like we follow too many rituals come holiday time, I want to do something crazy or do something warmer than i usually do, but, I would do the same old things again, and it will be back to office when they are over 😦

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      1. I wanted to be there this Christmas, I really did, but, mom is having some troubles, and I am not exactly financially stable so
        I wish you a merry Christmas still. Have a good day 🙂

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      2. Aww… we will meet someday. All of us 🙂 Don’t worry about me. I may not be in the ‘Christmas spirit’ per se but I will be happy. There are so many things to be grateful for. That’s definitely something to be cheerful about, isn’t it? 🙂 Thank you for your wishes ❤

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